Reducing Barriers to Self-Care as a Special Needs Parent

As a special needs parent there are many barriers to self-care. By acknowledging them we can then problem solve possible solutions.

7 Barriers to Self-Care

Let’s look at a broad list of seven common barriers to self-care that special needs parents often face.

• Guilt
• Time
• Financial Constraints
• Limited or No Respite Care
• Lost Touch of Personal Needs
• Interruptions
• Crisis situations

This list can seem overwhelming and as you read it you may have thought of several applicable situations in your own life in each of these categories. While we cannot get rid of them all together, we can try some strategies to lessen the friction in these areas.

Barriers to Self-Care and Possible Solutions

Barrier: Guilt

As parents, we can experience guilt in so many areas. Society and our own personal beliefs can add to this feeling. 

Possible Solutions:

• Acknowledge the feeling. It is easy to say, “stop feeling guilty.” However, as parents and people this is a feeling that will occur in life. So, what you can do is not let it stand in your way.
• Think of the times you were tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, and less-than adequately cared for. For example, maybe you skipped a shower, put off a doctor appointment again, or passed up a small treat for the 100th time. Did you bring your best self to that day?
• Then, think of times you did get a chance to refresh yourself. Did you have a better day overall, even during behavior outbursts or difficult calls from school?
• Consider how better you will feel day in and day out as you make yourself a priority and how it will also benefit those you have been using so much energy to care for.
• Try some affirmations focusing on self-worth and self-value. You can get some suggestions here: Affirmations for Special Needs Parents.
• Lastly, remember self-care is your right and responsibility as a person. Also, no one else is going to do this for you.

Barrier: Time

So much of our time is spent in the daily care of our special needs children. Being intentional with carving out time for self-care can also have a great impact.

Possible Solutions:

• Wake up early. This always felt more like punishment than self-care when I would hear this advice! But, when I started trying to wake up fifteen minute earlier I found I could start my coffee and set up some of my day with fewer interruptions. Then I started waking up thirty minutes early and was able to finish my coffee and listen to a good amount of an audiobook before anyone else woke up. Now I wake up an hour earlier than anyone else and I feel like I am fully awake and have accomplished several things I wanted for my day before the rest of the house wakes up. Many of these posts are written during these early mornings.
• Routine. Special needs parents are no stranger to routine when it comes to their children, but we benefit from them too. When I wake up, much of what I do is a routine. I pray, clean up, put in my contacts, and make coffee. I don’t have to think about it much, it is what I do every morning. Examine your current routines for a few days. Once you have an idea of what you are already doing, attach a self-care new habit within the routine. For example, after you brush your teeth (already established in your routine) you can do your new self-care habit (ex. Complete two yoga poses or put lotion on your arms).
• Multitask. Now this is admittedly not a great solution for many tasks, but in the right instances we can complete some rote activities while also boosting self-care. Back to the teeth brush example. While you brush your teeth you can probably do a few squats or read an affirmation card placed on your mirror. Some other examples: while getting dressed in the morning you could listen to uplifting music, a motivational talk, or online affirmations. While commuting to work you can engage your core muscles, drink a coffee or smoothie, listen to an audiobook.
• Put it in your calendar. Just like we prioritize dental appointments, write your self-care time into your daily, weekly, and monthly to-do lists.

Barrier: Financial Constraints

Parenting and life can get expensive at times. That feeling of guilt can often pop up again when we consider spending money on ourselves. Self-care does not need to cause financial strain in your life.

Possible Solutions:

• Budget. Create a monthly budget and gain a better understanding of your income and expenses. This can help you find areas that could easily be trimmed to provide some spending money in the area of self-care.
• As with time, write your self-care expenses into your budget. I use a budgeting app and have a line item for Fun Money.
• Start small. For example, can you allot ten dollars this month for your self-care?
• Budgeting in itself is an act of financial self-care. Often, people tend to be savers or spenders. I tend to save to the point of cutting myself out of the budget, so that Fun Money Budget line took some getting used to, but is important. You could do you budget and realize you are spending lots of money on fast-food because it is easy, but what you would really like in your self-care routine is to do a weekly face masque. Explore shifting funds from the drive through next month and use the savings to buy a face masque and a few special face towels.
• Find 50 more ideas here: Fast and Free Self-Care Activities for Special Needs Parents.

Barrier: Limited or No Respite Care

Special needs parents are often the only caregivers their child has. This poses several ongoing boundaries to self-care. It can be hard to find a safe time to use the bathroom some days, let alone time to take a luxurious ten minute shower. If you have a caregiver to help, this can sometimes still require your presence in the home (or being called quickly back home when a crisis occurs). 

Possible Solutions:

• Finding caregivers is the first boundary. You may be new to considering this resource or you may have tried each resource your area has to offer and given up. If the caregiver is not helpful, it can often be best to not use one. Lack of respite can take a toll however.
• Caregivers can be found through organizations your child’s doctor may know of or local searches online. There are several for the elderly and calling them may put you in contact with ones that help with children. Also, if you have a local university, students in education, psychology, and therapy programs may be interested in serving as a caregiver.
• Thinking outside the box. If you cannot find a caregiver for your child so you can go out of the home for some self-care, you could explore other services. Can you hire someone to clean your home once a week or month? Hire a neighborhood teen to mow your lawn? Does your area provide curbside pick up for groceries? 
• Asking for help can be hard. Start small.

Barrier: Lost Touch of Personal Needs

So much of our focus can be on our children’s needs that it is easy to lose touch with what we want and need a individuals. If you were handed an hour of time just for yourself, would you know what to do? Many of us would be at a loss.

Possible Solutions:

• First, give yourself permission to have unique wants and needs that are just yours.
• Give yourself kindness and compassion. It is ok that you may not even know what you need or want.
• Look back. What are some things you have enjoyed in the past?
• Look forward. Do you have a wish list of things you’d like to do in life? 
• Start small and explore. Going from zero to a trip to Italy seems unrealistic. Keep Italy on you life list, but for today you could look up a new Italian recipe, watch an episode about Italy on a travel channel, or scroll through pictures of Italy online. 
• Consider how you are caring for others. How can you direct some of the same care towards yourself? 
• Explore the many areas that make up self-care. Read more here: What is Self-Care? A Guide for Special Needs Parents.

Barrier: Interruptions

So you finally have a minute behind a closed door for some self-care…and someone knocks on your door. Or you are out with a friend after weeks of setting up a meeting time and place…and your helper calls to say your child eloped and what should they do (I made sure every caregiver moving forward knew if they lost sight of my child to call the police first and not waste time tracking me down in an emergency like that!) So interruptions, both small and big will mostly likely pop up when addressing self-care.

Possible Solutions:

• Let others know. To prevent the inadvertent interruption, I have found signs helpful. Older children may be able to watch tv or read in their rooms while you take a ten minute breather. Let them know you are doing this. A sign on door saying “Meditating” or “Mommy time be out in x Minutes” can prevent knocks on the door for things that can wait.
• If your child is with a caregiver and you would like uninterrupted time let them know you will be unreachable by phone because you are in the doctor, library, etc. and to text in an emergency only (not because your child wants to know if you will bring home cheeseburgers!). Communicating expectations with caregivers can help prevent your time out from being interrupted by these types of interruptions. 
• Model boundaries and self-care. When interrupted and it is not an emergency, let others know you heard the request and will discuss it further after you finish (point to sign if helpful). Remind them that your time and self-care is important too. 

Barrier: Crisis Situations

When a child is hospitalized, suspended from school, gotten into legal trouble, hurt himself, another or you, or is engaging in ongoing dangerous behavior these situations can become so all encompassing that we lose a hold on our self-care along with other aspects of life (missed work, physical recovery, etc.). While we know these situations might happen, they cannot be fully prepared for and can come as a surprise and be very derailing to your life.

Possible Solutions:

• Plan. As best you can. Have an emergency plan in place. For a while, I had a go bag in my car for ER visits. Also, having a list of current medications, doctors numbers, etc. will come in handy if you have to take a child in for emergency care. 
• Be extra gentle with yourself. Basic self-care is of utmost importance now. For example, make sure you are getting as much quality sleep as possible and eating well. This can be difficult, but do your best.
• Use your self-care kit as often as possible. Read more about Self-Care Kits for Special Needs Parents.

Barriers to Self-Care in Special Needs Parenting: Summary

There are several barriers to self-care throughout the special needs parenting journey. We looked at the barriers of guilt, time, financial constraints, limited or lack of respite care, lost touch with our needs, interruptions, and crisis situations. These barriers can change with time. Keeping an eye on current barriers and exploring possible solutions can be helpful in reducing barriers to self-care in your unique situation.

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