When Your Child is Physically Aggressive

Children and teenagers with mental health and behavioral issues may physically hurt their parents. This can range from small scratches and slaps to more serious injuries. It can be an ongoing struggle or escalate quickly. When your child is physically aggressive, it is important to take care of both your physical and emotional health.

This is a difficult topic and one that is often not discussed. When a child is physically aggressive, you can experience many difficult emotions from frustration to hopelessness. It can also make you feel isolated, embarrassed, and alone. I hope this post can give you some comfort that you are not alone in this and give you some possible steps to take to increase safety and self-care.

* I am not a doctor and if you are hurt you should seek professional medical advice.*

This post is to discuss additional self-care practices that special needs parents can take when their children are physically aggressive.

Self-Care Steps When Your Child is Physically Aggressive

You may have heard of ABC behavior charting. It looks at the Antecedent (what comes before a behavior) the Behavior (ex. hitting or biting) and the Consequence (what happens right after the behavior, either positive or negative). Let’s use a similar model to look at ways you can be Proactive (before aggression), Regain Safety in the Moment, and be Reactive (take measures after aggression) to prevent a recurrence.

Keeping the home environment calm can help reduce stress and aggression. Find some addition strategies in our article Creating a Calmer Home for Special Needs Families.

Proactive Measures

Prevent when possible. Sometimes this can be a proactive measure. Other times, you will need to make adjustments after an incident to increase safety and prevent similar occurrences in the future.

Some areas to consider. You may need to keep scissors, knives, and other sharp objects in a safe place. This could mean up out of reach or locked away. You may also need to put heavy objects in different areas.

Kevlar sleeves are available online. These are often used by hunters. I have used these both professionally and at home when biting was an issue. Check out this link to pair of protective sleeves that goes over the elbows and also has individual finger holes to protect your hands from bites.

If needed, have pillows, towels, or bean bags to provide soft barriers. These can help keep your child safe if they engage in self-injurious behavior such as head banging. They can also help if you need to deflect kicks and hits during a tantrum.

Make a plan with your child’s care team. If aggression is an ongoing issue, you may want to explore additional therapy options. Some areas have in-home therapy to help address these issues.

Having a strong support system is so important as a special needs parent. Challenging behavior can make finding and maintaining a support system difficult.

Find strategies to develop your support system in our article, Finding a Good Support System as a Special Needs Parent.

Steps to Take in the Moment to Regain Safety

In the moment, it is important to regain immediate safety. These steps could include removing other children from the area. You may also need to remove sharp or heavy objects from the area to maintain everyone’s safety.

If you are working with a therapist in your home already, then follow the safety plan and contact them as needed.

It can be very difficult at first, but you may need to call the police if things are escalating beyond your control. The first time this was suggested to me by a team member I was honestly stunned. I didn’t know that was an option! My child was very aggressive and rather young at the time. But, the school had called for police support several times and I could call them to my home as well. In a few instances, the police safely transported my children to the hospital and stayed with us until they were admitted to a psychiatric facility. The police also came to my house after a hospitalization to set up a safety plan so the officers would know how to best respond to my children in a crisis situation if needed.

Maintaining your calm is crucial in these difficult moments. A strategy you may find useful is the silent use of affirmations. For more information, read our article Affirmations for Special Needs Parents.

Reactive Measures

Keep notes of what happened. Try to look at the Antecedent, Behavior, and Consequence as discussed earlier. Pinpointing triggers can be helpful in the future. Documentation can help with gaining needed services or medication changes. Document with pictures as needed.

A simple journal or calendar like this one can help in this process. You can see an hour-by-hour break down across the week. You can also keep track of strategies used and team members consulted.

Communicate openly with others. Let case managers and applicable caregivers know what has happened. I like to remind teachers that my child does bite when it has recently happened in the home. Taking notes and letting the doctor and/or case mangers/therapists know is advocating for your child, your other family members and yourself so speak up.

You will find additional tips for teaming with your doctor in Ways to Make Medication Management Easier.

Team up with local law enforcement. Many areas can come to your home and make a plan, especially if your child is about to return from the hospital or tends to elope. Have non-emergency numbers located in an easy to find way for ease of calling if you are calling a local station rather than 911.

Consider the use of code words or phrases for other family members if going to safe space is needed. This is helpful if there are other children in the home.

After you have been hurt, allow yourself time and space to recover and calm down so that you can respond in a safe and calm manner. This is an important reason for keeping that cup full – these moments dump your cup!

First aid, cover up bandages, and longer sleeves help since I don’t like seeing the marks after as it can be a sad reminder.

These are hard days. Lean on family, a friend, or a support person. Call it an early night if possible. Focus on an affirmation or 1-3 things that are going ok at the moment.

Self-Care When Your Child is Physically Aggressive: Summary

It can be scary and overwhelming when a child is physically aggressive. Maintaining overall self-care is important so that you can be able to respond in a calm and positive manner. 

When a child is physically aggressive there are several steps you can take before to be proactive, during to regain safety, and after to prevent a recurrence.

Remember you are not alone and there are resources for help. Reach out to local support providers to get the most appropriate team in place to regain safety in your home. Your child’s doctor, case manager, or school are good resources to ask for additional support in your area. Keep an ongoing log documenting aggressive behavior.

For more strategies to keep your physical environment safe and optimized for self-care, read: Organizing Physical Items to Improve Quality of Life.

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